Too Much

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I realized later in my life that I am all in, or not invested at all. That as it is, is fairly normal, but on top of that I feel things very intensely. There is no halfway or 50%. As great as this is for my career and work-life, the same cannot be said for friendships and relationships.

Being an introvert with Social Anxiety doesn’t help my friend-situation at all since I get exhausted by too much social interaction even faster. It’s hard for me to click with people and when I do, I try to hold on to those personalities. Even if I do click with a person, that doesn’t mean that I want to spend days on end with them, because after an hour or so I already am itching to get back to my little apartment to recharge. It takes a very special individual to not make me feel like I need space, or time to recharge, and I can count those people on one hand.

The special people that I don’t feel the need to recharge with are the people that I worry about the most. As stated previously I am 110% in, or not even paying attention, because of that I tend to have a microscopic focus on the few people that I do care deeply about. This is not a healthy habit of mine since I have an intense amount of emotions. I have yet to meet someone that can feel as intensely as I can (though I would LOVE to meet someone that does).

It takes me forever to commit to a relationship because I need to see something in that person that I CAN’T be without. Being as picky as I am, I rarely come across a person that makes me feel like I need them as a constant in my life to commit to them. Once I do, and if feels flow naturally, that is when things … (To Be Continued)

Introduction

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My name is Cara. There is nothing profound about me, I am not some great beauty, or some talented artist. I am not a genius, nor have been through the worst hells imaginable to be chocked full of wisdom and great advice.

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I am just like you. An average woman in her mid-twenties, wondering why everyone else seems to have it all figured out. I want to travel, a lot, but a full time job, trying to keep a roof over my head, and the great fear of the unknown keeps me stuck in one place. It’s always that crippling fear of failure that seems to keep most of us rooted to one spot.

I moved from Toronto Ontario, across the country to Vancouver British Columbia December 30th, 2015. My life (as I knew it), utterly fell apart and I found myself at 23 back living at home, jobless, and single when two weeks prior I had been looking at engagement rings, happily employed in the Pharmaceuticals industry and living in Toronto. After months of therapy I had decided to book a one way ticket to Vancouver B.C. and see if I could make a life for myself.

It’s been almost 3 years that I’ve been here now. 3 years of extreme highs and extreme lows. Years of independence, and inner strength (that sometimes fails me). Years of learning that there is no one to come clean up my mess, to make me dinner so I can sob and sulk all night long. I can cry, but I also have to feed myself. I can sulk and let the depression weigh on me like a mountain, but I still have to flip the laundry. Years of growing, learning, struggling, and most importantly of amazing people and adventures.

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Now that you know a bit about my background, let me tell you what I’m all about; I’m a tattoo-a-holic, hiking-junkie, that doubles as an ocean-enthusiast, carb-loving, mountain-obsessed, star wars dork who has a hard time putting down a video game controller. A learned extrovert but am introverted by nature. I’m extremely empathetic and have to be careful who I spend my time and energy on, since there are some people that are simply just bad for my  health.

I live with (I refuse to use the term “suffer from”), GAD (General Anxiety Disorder), Social Anxiety, and Depression, or, as I like to call it the Tri-Fecta. As a result I have a lot of self-esteem and self-loathing issues that I am always trying to find ways to combat. Part of this blog will be dedicated to an in-depth account of an average person trying to “live their best life”, with a socially destructive chemical imbalance in their head.

Normality is a paved road: It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow. — Vincent Van Goh